I’ve been thinking about the kind of life I want, why I want it, and the finances needed to get there. We live in a high-cost-of-living area and have to stay since my husband’s work is here. Our children are in elementary school and finally settling in, but I wouldn’t mind moving somewhere else for better schooling and programs for kids with ADHD and speech issues. Growing up, my parents drilled it into me to work hard, which I really appreciate. But it came with a heaping side of shame that if I didn’t “achieve my full potential” and make millions of dollars and be on the cover of Forbes magazine, I would be a disappointment to them.
At the same time, they were not supportive when I went into the workforce. When I got my first promotion, they scoffed at the paltry increase. I’ve been working since I was 14; sometimes in the family business, sometimes with side gigs. If I had saved even a quarter of what I’ve earned and put it into a Roth IRA, I’d have a decent nest egg when I reach my 50s. I find it very odd that for parents who want me to be my best, they didn’t educate me about personal finance, but just kept pushing me to get more schooling and work more hours at the family business. I guess it was easier to keep me under control that way.
Now, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the last decade. It’s one of the hardest jobs because the work is constant, there are no holidays or sick days, there are no colleagues or intellectual stimulation, and my parents are still scoffing at my life choices when they were the ones to push me to get married and have kids. I did find a man I love and who loves me and I’m so grateful for our two beautiful, healthy kids, but I still hear the criticisms, expectations and disappointments inside my head. Again, I find it odd that my parents would push me to get married and have kids without a plan for getting back to work.
Don’t miss: My wife and I have $7,000 in pensions, $140,000 in cash, plus Social Security. Can we afford to retire?
A professional crossroads
What now? Do I take a low-paying part-time job that allows me the freedom and flexibility to be there for my kids? Or do I put them in after-school programs that are a bit of a madhouse so that I can work a full-time job? Do I take courses and earn certificates and go for a six-figure position in the tech field? Or do I work at my kids’ school or in a municipal office? My husband makes a good living, which allows me to stay home and take care of the kids. We make a good team. But I’m aware that if something happens to either of us, our family/kids would be in trouble. So that is a good reason for me to at least try to make six figures.
Is it possible to have a decent life making $40,000 a year in my 50s and 60s? Part of me wants to get a master’s degree in library science online and apply to work at local libraries. I’m not crazy about paying for a master’s at this time, only to end up with a job that pays at most $35 an hour. So I may only go that route if there are scholarships or such. So much of my head has been filled with thoughts of needing to be the best, the brightest, the wealthiest, and I’ve just come to the realization that that’s not where true happiness lies. But I’m also aware that I’ve been sheltered and did not have to live on $40,000 a year.
What is the minimum needed to have a decent retirement? A fully paid off house, $1 million dollars spread out across 401(k), taxable brokerage, (Roth) IRAs and perhaps a part-time job with health benefits? I feel awful that we have nothing set aside for our kids’ college funds, but I am thinking that I could work at a college that provides tuition benefits to direct family members. Is this a possibility? Just to make this scenario extra fun, my parents have tried offering me monetary gifts with conditions that would make me feel like I would be again under their control. I wonder if I’m being naive and stupid not to accept some of these gifts.
Stay-at-home Mom
Related: My job is offering me a payout. Should I take a $61,000 lump sum or $355 a month for life?
Dear Mom,
The last thing I want to do is give you homework, but I’m going to give you homework.
The first thing you can do is get a giant piece of paper and write all the things your parents did to disappoint you, annoy you, thwart you, undermine you, frustrate you and generally make you feel less than. Then buy a giant red marker and write in big letters over all of those complaints: “THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD AT THE TIME.” And then burn it. They want to help you now. Maybe it’s a form of amends, or perhaps they believe they were good parents. They did what they did. They said what they said. They are who they are. They wanted to help you, but they didn’t have all the skills. There was no workbook, as you know, and what’s done is done.
The second thing you can do is know that everyone has regrets, particularly financial ones, and it’s easy to have the decision-making skills of Mary Barra or Warren Buffett when you’re looking back with hindsight. When you’re done forgiving your parents for raising you, forgive yourself for all the twists and turns you wish you’d done differently. If it helps, get out a separate sheet of paper and write all the good decisions you’ve made in one column, with your regrets in another column, and do the same thing again. Take out that red pen and write: “I DID THE BEST I COULD AT THE TIME.” And burn it. Life is pretty good. You’ve gotten this far.
If you’re unsure about whether to go back to work full-time or part-time, ease back into it. If it suits you, good. If you get the urge to go back and join the rat race full-time with an eye on a six-figure salary in a job that gives you a renewed sense of purpose, fantastic. If it also helps you save more for retirement and put money aside for your children’s college education in tax-advantaged 529 plans, great. Perhaps it would allow you and your husband to pay off your mortgage earlier than planned. But there’s no right/wrong answer. Nobody will write, “I wish I spent more time at the office” on their gravestone.
A tailor-made retirement
Here’s the headline: It’s OK to take the foot off the pedal when your children get a little older and you have more time to yourself. You’ve been working a 24/7 job raising your kids. Research shows that women take more time off from their careers than men and their lifetime income suffers as a result, as does their ability to rejoin the workforce at a similar level of seniority. Life, society and the workplace, as they’re currently structured, are not fair or equal. But you have a husband who works full time and earns a good living, so see a financial therapist or a psychologist and talk through your plans. You don’t have to put even more pressure on yourself.
If your gut tells you that a master’s in library science does not have the kind of reward that makes it worthwhile, don’t do it. But yes, it’s possible to have a comfortable life and retirement if you earn $40,000 a year. Millions of Americans do it, despite letters to this column from couples with millions of dollars who worry about retirement. Studies repeatedly warn Americans that they need $1 million or more, but the truth is you need enough to ensure that your expenses don’t exceed your income, have at least two years of a cash cushion for unexpected events, including medical complications — and long-term-care insurance doesn’t hurt.
What’s missing from my answer is women’s voices, so here are a few thoughts on your letter about returning to work from the Moneyist Facebook Group. “You’ll be providing a good role model for the kids, too. Since family life is a job in itself, don’t let the new job be too demanding, just pleasantly challenging,” one woman writes. “Start by taking a few classes at a local community college to get some idea of what you might like to pursue,” another adds. A former teacher says: “Although teaching wasn’t at the top of the pay scale, by 63 I was retired and debt-free with enough to live well and do a little traveling.”
The past is another country. The future is a travel agent’s window. Give yourself a break today.
Related: We’re living in ‘end times’ when you can’t retire on $1 million
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
Most American weddings are a lot more extravagant than the nuptials of Amazon’s Jeff Bezos
By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.
This post was originally published on Market Watch
